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Mother of the Bride Duties

So what exactly is expected of you as mother of the bride and how involved should you be?

When your daughter gets engaged, it's polite to write to the groom's parents to welcome them to your family. If you haven't met, now is a great time to suggest you meet up to get to know one another.

Try and sit down with your daughter as soon as possible and find out how you can help with the wedding planning and to what extent. Does she need you to help with a lot of the wedding arrangements or just a few jobs here or there?

Yes please - we'd love your help

If your help is required, you'll need to find out what you're responsible for organising. If the bride and groom have already made all the decisions, you may be asked just to confirm bookings, make payments and act as point of contact. Alternatively, you might be assigned specific tasks.

If you and your daughter are trying to work out what you can do to help, some suggestions might include:

• Arranging wedding transport
• Looking for appropriate accommodation and taxi firms for guests
• Ordering stationery, sending out the wedding invitations and keeping track of replies
• Contacting wedding suppliers for initial quotes to get a short list for the bride and groom
• Drawing up the seating plan

No thanks - we've got it covered

Many couples want to arrange everything themselves, so don't be offended if your help is not required with the wedding planning. Even if the bride and groom plan to do the majority of the wedding planning, there is bound to be something you can help with as the big day approaches and your advice will soon be sought as issues arrive.

The most important bit of advice is to allow your daughter to plan her day and only give your opinion or advice when asked.

nofreetime tips

• If you're worried that something will be forgotten, put together your own wedding checklist of things to do. From time to time, ask your daughter how the planning is coming along and prompt where necessary. For example, if you think they've forgotten about transport at the end of the evening, ask them what they have planned to do. If you sound interested, it's less likely to appear as if you're interfering.
• Help your daughter to draw up a schedule of timings for the wedding day so that key family members and attendants know what they need to do and when. This should be given to the relevant people no later than a week before the big day so they can familiarise themselves with the day's timings.

Agreeing the budget

Traditionally, the father and mother of the bride paid for the entire wedding. As the average cost of a wedding in the UK is now more than £20,000, the cost is often shared with the bride and groom and the parents of the groom.

The wedding budget is one of the first decisions to make. Let your daughter know how much you are able to contribute in advance, so they know how much they have to spend and can start planning. You'll also need to consider whether you will provide a lump sum or whether you will pay for specific aspects such as the wedding flowers or reception.

Guest lists - deciding who to invite

The bride's parents used to have a lot of say as to who was invited to the wedding because they invariably paid for all of the wedding. As the cost of the wedding is often shared, the guest list is now often decided by the bride and groom and both sets of parents.

The guest list can be a contentious subject when budgets put a limit on the number of guests you can invite. In an ideal world it would be lovely to invite all the family but that's not always possible if the bride and groom have a lot of friends. Even if you're paying for all of the wedding, try to accommodate the wishes of the bride and groom.

Take a look at our wedding guest list section for more help and advice on creating the guest list.

Hosting the day

The mother of the bride traditionally assumes the role of hostess - meeting and greeting guests as they arrive at the wedding venue whilst the host (father of the bride) looks after the guests - ensuring they have drinks throughout the day. Wedding invitations are usually sent out by the host and hostess. Unless the venue has an in-house wedding coordinator, you will also be responsible for ensuring the reception goes to plan. This might include liaising with suppliers or ensuring everything is in place.

It's not unusual however, for both sets of parents to host the wedding. The bride and groom may even choose to host their own wedding - especially if they have paid for the majority of it. Whatever the case, you should still ensure you meet and greet guests as though you were the hostess.

Wedding gifts

Paying for a wedding and buying a wedding gift can be very expensive. If you're making a significant contribution towards your daughter's wedding - it is perfectly acceptable not to buy a wedding gift on top. If your contribution towards their wedding is your wedding gift - make sure you tell them upfront.

If you want to buy an additional gift and are stuck for ideas, why not choose something for their home - household appliances and furniture are ideal.

If you don't like the idea of not giving them a 'gift' but can't afford both - why not reduce your contribution towards the wedding to allow for that extra special wedding gift.